God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
