before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
