If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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