he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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