i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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