Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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