you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
