i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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