i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
