He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
