I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
