i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
