and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Are we still banned from the library?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
