need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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