my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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