Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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