All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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