she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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