either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
