member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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