I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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