so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
