Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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