i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
