So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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