the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
