Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
