should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
