moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
