You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
