Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
