and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
