I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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