i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
