I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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