I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
