she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
