I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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