I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
