I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
