Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
