I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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