I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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