I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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