You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
