I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
