I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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