For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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