i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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