ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
