He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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