so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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