It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
