suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
lets start a swedish sibling band together
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
