Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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