i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
