Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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