I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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